The enduring saying in our house is "It's not a holiday unless somebody cries, or there's a wet/dry vac involved."
But seriously, all kidding aside let’s explore some thoughtful ways to steer conversations, calm heated exchanges, and offer tips on crafting a warm, memorable holiday environment where the focus remains on good food and togetherness, not political divides.
Remember, people rarely change their views because of political debates. Political arguments often entrench people further into their own beliefs rather than swaying opinions. Holidays are a time for family, food, and togetherness, but when relatives hold divergent political views, gatherings can turn tense. Whether you're preparing a festive feast or gathering around a lovingly arranged table, creating an atmosphere where everyone feels comfortable can be challenging in such divisive times.
1) START WITH A WELCOMING SETTING
- Ambiance: Setting the right mood goes a long way toward fostering a positive atmosphere. Consider preparing a welcoming environment that signals warmth and relaxation—think soft lighting, cozy seating, and a thoughtfully arranged dining table filled with delicious, comforting dishes.
- Music: Music is a subtle yet powerful way to set a relaxed mood. Choose a playlist with mellow tunes or nostalgic songs that remind everyone of shared holiday memories.
- Smile: If you’re the host, greet everyone with warmth. Beginning with casual, positive topics like food and family memories can set the tone for a friendly, rather than confrontational, gathering. Use welcoming, casual and caring body language.
2) CONVERSATION STARTERS THAT STAY AWAY FROM POLITICS
Starting conversations on a light note can help keep spirits high and prevent them from veering into contentious territory. Here are some conversation starters that focus on shared interests or positive topics:
- Food: “What’s everyone’s favorite holiday dish this year?” or “Has anyone tried any new recipes recently?” Food is a universal language and an easy way to engage guests of all ages and backgrounds.
- Family Memories: “Does anyone remember the first time we celebrated the holidays here?” or “What’s a favorite family tradition everyone looks forward to?” Shared stories can help guests focus on common ground and positive memories.
- Travel and Local Events: “Has anyone been anywhere exciting lately, or planning to?” or “Are there any fun holiday events in town?” Travel, especially to beautiful or interesting places, can provide a good topic without too many political undercurrents.
- Hobbies and Passions: “What has everyone been working on or learning this year?” or “Have you read or watched anything interesting lately?” Many people are eager to share their hobbies or recommendations.
3) REDIRECTING CONVERSATIONS
Despite your best efforts, politics may still surface in conversation. When that happens, knowing how to gently redirect the discussion can save the holiday spirit.
Tactics for Redirection
- Acknowledge and Divert: If someone brings up a heated topic, briefly acknowledge it and steer toward something more enjoyable. For example, “I can see you feel strongly about this, and it’s so important to be passionate. I’d love to hear what’s the highlight of your year been outside of work and news.”
- Humor: Humor, when used gently, can help diffuse tension. For example, “Alright, I think we’ve had our news fix! Who’s ready to dive into dessert instead?” or “I’d vote for this turkey as the main topic for tonight!”
- Interest in Another Topic: A more nuanced approach might be to introduce a new topic that directly interests the person. For example, if they’re an avid cook, you could say, “I’ve been wanting to get some advice on the best way to make [dish]. I remember you made it last year, and it was fantastic!”
4) OFFER DISTRACTIONS - STRUCTURED ACTIVITIES CAN REDUCE THE LIKELIHOOD OF UNCOMFORTABLE CONVERSATIONS
- Interactive Cooking or Baking: Cooking together can be a bonding experience. Setting up a decorating station for cookies or allowing guests to help with the final meal preparations can keep everyone’s hands busy and attention on something creative.
- Board Games and Puzzles: Games encourage friendly competition and lighthearted fun. Many board games, card games, or even jigsaw puzzles can bring laughter and draw everyone’s focus away from potential conflicts.
- Holiday Crafts: Especially fun if kids are attending, holiday crafts can be an enjoyable distraction. Consider setting up a table with easy holiday-themed crafts, like ornament decorating or card making.
5) HANDLING PUSHY, ANGRY, OR GLOATING FAMILY MEMBERS
Family dynamics vary, but during emotionally charged conversations, some relatives may take the opportunity to gloat or push opinions on others. Here’s how to handle these situations with grace and respect:
- For Pushy Family Members: Firm, Kind Boundaries: Politely but clearly set boundaries if someone insists on discussing politics. You could say, “I’d rather keep the conversation focused on the family and the holidays today. I think we all could use a break from the news.”
- Redirect with a Compliment or Gratitude: Complimenting a positive trait or expressing gratitude can disarm pushiness. For example, “You’re so knowledgeable, and I really appreciate that. I’m just in the mood to keep things light today. Let’s catch up on all the good things going on with the family.”
- For Angry Relatives: Stay calm and listen. Sometimes, simply listening without engaging in debate can diffuse anger. If someone feels heard, they may calm down. You can respond with something like, “I can see you’re passionate about this. I respect your views, even though I may not fully understand. Let’s enjoy the meal together.”
- De-Escalate with Empathy: A little empathy can often de-escalate anger. You could say, “I know it’s been a really challenging year. I think a lot of people feel the same way.”
- For Relatives Who Gloat: Maintain poise and redirect. When someone begins to gloat, whether about politics or any other divisive issue, a poised, calm response is key. You might say, “It sounds like you’re feeling pretty good about that. I think we could all use some lighthearted stories this year. Has anyone seen any good holiday movies?”
- Excuse Yourself Briefly if Needed: If a particular conversation becomes too intense or hurtful, don’t hesitate to excuse yourself. Take a few minutes to step away, take a deep breath, and refocus on maintaining your own calm and composure.
6) FOCUS ON THE FOOD: HERE ARE SOME FOOD-CENTERED TIPS TO KEEP EVERYONE IN GOOD SPIRITS
Good food can bring even the most divided family together, and spending time talking about and appreciating what’s on the table can create a sense of unity.
- Limit Alcoholic Beverages: During holiday gatherings it may be a wise choice for maintaining a warm, inclusive atmosphere to limit the amount of alcohol served. While a drink or two can be part of the celebration, overindulgence often leads to lowered inhibitions and may increase the likelihood of heated conversations or misunderstandings, especially around sensitive topics like politics.
- Encouraging non-alcoholic options:
- festive mocktails
- sparkling water
- seasonal teas
- hot spiced cider
- different hot chocolates with marshmallows and fun toppings
- coffee bar with flavored syrups
These non-alcoholic options can help balance the environment and keep everyone feeling clear-headed and connected. A mindful approach to alcohol can help guests stay engaged, allowing the focus to remain on enjoying good food, great company, and meaningful connections.
- Limiting Alcohol to a Toast: If alcohol is part of your family traditions perhaps limiting its consumption to a celebratory toast at the beginning of the meal with a one glass maximum can still convey the celebratory mood.
- Serve Family Recipes: Familiar dishes remind us of shared memories and create an opportunity for positive conversations. If you have a dish that everyone looks forward to every year, it can be a wonderful conversation starter: “This sweet potato casserole reminds me of when Grandma first taught me to make it!”
- Have a Potluck Style Gathering: Ask each family member to bring their favorite dish, copies of the printed or handwritten recipe to share with everyone and be prepared to tell a story from a holiday past or of the person that the dish reminds them of. This is a good way to pass recipes and stories on to the younger generations and reflect on happy moments in time.
- Create a ‘Make Your Own’ Station: Whether it’s a mashed potato bar, dessert station or making personal tea blends, giving everyone the opportunity to craft their own creations can keep guests occupied and involved in the experience. It’s also a fun way to encourage conversation around personal preferences and creativity rather than differing opinions.
- Tea and Spice Tasting: This is an easy and entertaining way to focus attention away from tense topics. Set up a small table with an assortment of teas and spices. Invite guests to share thoughts on flavors, memories, or foods that remind them of the season. Tasting sessions can be relaxing and meditative, bringing the conversation back to the shared enjoyment of flavors and aromas.
7) SET A GRATEFUL AND POSITIVE TONE
A shared sense of gratitude can help remind everyone of what truly matters. As the host or as a guest, you can guide the family toward a more positive spirit by modeling appreciation:
- Give Thanks for Being Together: Begin the gathering by expressing gratitude that everyone is able to share time together. You might say something like, “It’s wonderful that we’re all here. I know it’s been a challenging time for everyone, but I’m so grateful we can all be here to share this meal.”
- Encourage Each Person to Share a Positive Memory: While some families share a gratitude practice, you could also encourage guests to share a favorite memory or a highlight from the past year. This encourages everyone to focus on positive topics rather than divisive ones.
8) EXIT STRATEGIES FOR IF CONVERSATIONS TURN SOUR
Despite all efforts, sometimes conversations turn sour, and it’s best to have a graceful way to step away:
- Redirect with an Inclusive Activity: Suggest another activity if you see a discussion turning heated. You could say, “Who’s ready for dessert?” or “Does anyone want to help with the cleanup?” Or in a more direct way to get everyone involved in cleanup is to assign specific tasks in a friendly but clear manner. Instead of asking broadly, approach individuals with a simple instruction like:
- “Mom, could you collect all the plates and bring them to the sink?”
- “Sarah, would you mind wiping down the table?”
- “John, can you help put the leftovers into containers?”
- “Dad”, can you please take the trash out?”
These specific requests let each person know exactly what’s needed without room for ambiguity. You can also frame it as part of the holiday spirit: “Alright, team effort time! Let’s each take a small part to clean up, and we’ll be done in no time.” This approach can make the task feel collaborative and keeps things moving smoothly.
- Pause and Take a Break: If you’re the host, take a moment to step away, whether it’s to check on the food or step outside for a breath of fresh air. This can give you a moment to clear your head and regain composure.
- Polite Directness: If a conversation becomes persistently negative, you can directly address it with kindness. For example, “I think we’re getting a little too heavy for the holidays. Let’s keep things light and cheerful today.”
9) WHEN IS IT OKAY TO ASK SOMEONE TO LEAVE AND HOW DO YOU DO IT?
It’s okay to ask someone to leave if their behavior becomes disruptive, disrespectful, or harmful to the atmosphere of the gathering.
- If a guest is making others uncomfortable by engaging in persistent arguments, making offensive remarks, or behaving aggressively (whether due to alcohol or otherwise), it’s appropriate to prioritize the well-being of everyone else.
- To approach this difficult task, stay calm and composed. Pull the person aside, away from other guests, and explain your concerns directly but kindly. For example, you might say, “I think it’s best if you head out for the evening. I appreciate you coming, but it seems like things are getting a bit too intense.”
- Avoid escalating the situation by remaining neutral and respectful, even if they react defensively. Offering to help arrange a safe way home, if needed, can show that your priority is a peaceful resolution, not confrontation.
- Just because someone is a relative or friend it does not give them license to treat you or other guests or family member with disrespect.
10) IT'S OKAY TO SAY NO
- It’s perfectly okay to choose a smaller gathering or to decide not to host or attend holiday events if it feels overwhelming this year. The holidays can be demanding, and opting for a quieter celebration, or even a solo one, is a valid way to care for your mental well-being.
- Scaling back or skipping large gatherings can allow you to spend the season in a way that feels peaceful and restorative.
- Whether it’s enjoying a quiet meal, connecting virtually with loved ones, or simply relaxing at home, embracing a simpler holiday can be a meaningful and healthy choice, helping you recharge and truly enjoy the season.
11) REFLECT ON WHAT MATTERS MOST
At the end of the day, the holidays are about celebrating and cherishing time with those we love. It’s natural to disagree on certain topics but focusing on the values that bring everyone together—love, family, laughter, and gratitude can make even the most challenging family gatherings rewarding.
12) IF THINGS DON'T GO PERFECTLY, IT'S OKAY
Sometimes, simply being present and focusing on the positive is enough. The warmth and comfort of the holiday table, along with the shared joy of good food and laughter, often leave the most lasting impressions. Sometimes (after enough years have passed) the most chaotic and dysfunctional holidays make for the most entertaining stories. And remember, you can't please everyone, and you just may find holiday peace with this.
With much love and gratitude from all of us to all of you. We hope your holidays are merry and bright.
The Spice & Tea Shoppe
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